watch your step
by Michael Davies
I love sports. I love movies. So I decided to make a top ten fictional sports teams of all time list! The teams below are from movies and television shows we all love and adore. I tried to be fair and vary my picks, so I hope you agree with my list and understand my justifications. I only put the best of the best teams on here. Sorry kids from The Sandlot , but your passion for baseball didn’t make you guys a good team whatsoever. And to Dwayne Johnson, piss off for making The Gameplan . So stupid. So now lets talk about some actually talented teams.
10. Blue Mountain State Goats For those of you who do not know this show, you’re really missing out. Blue Mountain State is a show about a college football team that has a successful history, but now has some arrogant/stupid players on the team. Every episode of the series includes sex, violence, drug use, binge drinking, and all the other awesome things about college. I never expected the channel Spike to create such a hilarious show. As far as the team goes, I have to give them credit. Head coach Marty Daniels is a six-time national champion and knows how to run a team. Players like quarterback Alex Moran and linebacker Thad Castle make things extremely difficult for coach because Moran is lazy and just wants to live the college life and Castle is an airhead. These players, although stupid, know how to play the game and are damn good at it. The Goats are tenth on my list because they lost the championship in season one and no one actually likes college football. Screw you BCS system!
9. Flint Tropics (Semi-Pro) Jackie Moon may be the best player/owner/promoter/musician to ever hit the basketball court. Located in Flint, Michigan, the Tropics are an average ABA team from the 70′s that are at risk of not merging with the NBA. Jackie Moon makes one of the best trades in the history of sports by acquiring Ed Monix for the Tropics’ washing machine. During their last season, the Tropics go on a late run to contend for the “Mega Bowl”, which is a fight for fourth place. I have to give credit to the Tropics. Monix supplied a great spark for the team and really helped improve the game of Clarence “Coffee Black” Johnson, who only focused on his offense but became a team player. Jackie Moon did an extravagant job promoting the Tropics with his halftime performances, but the team only getting fourth place only makes them average on this list of high standards. Also, props to Jackie Moon inventing the alley-oop, I love you sexy.
8. The Little Giants A classic football movie turned into everyone’s childhood story: not being good enough to play on the all-star team and having to settle for the reject team. Well you better believe these losers have some fight in them. The Little Giants have a great background story that really adds to the film. Coach Danny O’Shea lives in the shadow of his older brother, Kevin, who now coaches for the rival Cowboys. The team is led by the coach’s daughter, Becky “the Icebox” O’Shea (a girl playing football? Yeah, sounds realistic). Besides her, the team really sucks, so they have to add Junior Floyd, a grocery store employee. Great scouting, coach. And just when the team looks like they have no hope, NFL legends John Madden, Emmitt Smith, Bruce Smith, Tim Brown, and Steve Emtman magically come off a bus and teach the kids how to play the game. Before the final game, The O’Shea brothers wager family businesses in a winner-take-all game. Excellent role models. The Little Giants face a 21-point deficit at halftime. They play great team defense in the second half and make some important stops. The Little Giants offensive coordinator is brilliant for strategically placing Johnny’s dad in the end zone, making the unloved kid run to hug him. One of the greatest plays in football history happens on the final play of this game: The Fumblerooski. This play gives The Little Giants the win, but does not give them a high ranking on my list because the game pretty much meant nothing. Plus, rejects are not allowed to be successful in life and having players on your team like Todd Bosley make this movie too bogus.
I originally had the Elma Big Green next, but the plot is exactly like The Little Giants only with soccer balls. I didn’t want to be repetitive, but The Big Green was one of my favorite kids movies. Sorry obese kid, who was a goalie on drugs.
7. Charlestown Chiefs (Slap Shot) This team is a perfect depiction of what hockey teams should be like. What makes minor league hockey entertaining? Fighting, fighting, and more fighting! The Chiefs are a struggling team trying to make ends meet in a crappy factory town. Knowing that the town isn’t doing well, player-coach Reggie Dunlop decides to make some changes to the team. The Chiefs made a great move by signing the Hanson Brothers who had huge anger issues and awesome hair. They even went into the stands to beat up people! The best part about this team/movie is that everyone looks like a 40-year old pedophile. It actually sums up what the 70′s were like. There were a lot of drugs, lack of showers, and violent hockey! This team was so great because they didn’t play your normal style of hockey. They manned up, make their checks, and threw in a couple of close lines. This team should play in today’s NHL so they can kick ass and take names.
6. The Timberwolves (Air Bud) What is every basketball team missing? That’s right! A dog that can lead your team to victory! Disney has once again struck gold with this gem. Just like every basketball player to every play in the NBA, Buddy comes from an owner that was an alcoholic and exploited his talents. From a drunk clown’s accomplice to a kid’s best friend, Buddy fights his way into a friendlier world and even gets to start on Josh’s middle school basketball team. (Imagine being the kid that sat on bench because a dog could shoot better than him!) Buddy wasn’t the only reason why this team was so good and it definitely wasn’t because of Josh, who couldn’t make a basket to save his life. It was the masterful mind of Coach Arthur Chaney who magically went from playing in the NBA, to becoming the school’s janitor, to coaching the school’s basketball team. Really Disney? Regardless, he was a man who knew talent when he saw it and believed in a 3-2 zone defense. When he saw Buddy taking shots during the halftime shows he said, “Hey, I could sure use that dog on my team!” And that is how you win championships. The fact that the Timberwolves won the big game helped their ranking, but they would be higher if it weren’t for the five crappy sequels that murdered Air Bud franchise.
5. Washington Sentinels (The Replacements) If it were not for Robert Kraft ending the NFL lockout, this team could have actually become a reality. The original Sentinels were a bunch of sissies that just wanted to get paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a game they didn’t care about. Once they went on strike, it was up to Coach Jimmy McGinty to pile up a bunch of no-named former football players, security guards, and prisoners to play on one team. Led by former Heisman Trophy winner, Shane Falco, the Sentinels have to learn the playbook quickly and be NFL ready by the start of the season. As training camp goes on, Coach McGinty discovers that he has a very unusual team on his hands. He has a speedy receiver that cannot catch, a police officer that has anger issues, a former soccer player that smokes cigarettes before kicking field goals, and even has a deaf wide receiver! The team bonds over a drunken bar fight versus the former Sentinels and even have a song and dance to “I Will Survive” in a prison cell. Is that what happens in jail? But somehow, the team makes it work and give the Sentinels a chance to make it to the playoffs. In the final game that determines their postseasons fate, the original quarterback for the team crosses the picket lines and starts the game over McGinty’s wishes. When the team is down 17-0 at halftime, Falco enters the locker room and wants to play in the game. Once the emotional leader returned, the other quarterback was kicked out and the real game began. Falco’s heart and leadership brought the team back into the game and is the reason the Sentinels earned the playoff shot they worked so hard for. I think it is bull crap that all the players stopped protesting after that game to play in the playoffs. How do you play in a playoff game after not playing all season? I hope they lost. The replacement players proved that anything is possible and that Keanu Reeves can do whatever the hell he wants.
4. Tune Squad (Space Jam) Everybody get up, its time to see Michael Jordan play basketball with a bunch of Looney Tunes ! Before this team was put together, I knew that Jordan was a dominating star that could be the best at anything he tried to do. I never expected him to be able to play so well with cartoons though! This team would not have been possible if it weren’t for the evil Moron Mountain Monstars, who stole talent away from NBA superstars. So the Monstars went from five inches tall to seven foot freaks that looked like they were on more steroids than Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa combined. Jordan and Bugs Bunny have to get the Looney Tunes in shape for the big game because they would have to live on Moron Mountain is they lost. They acquire a small forward, Lola Bunny, who is smoking hot. Once the game started, the Tune Squad came out flat, and I mean flat. No one was staying on their assigned man, their zone defense was spread all over the pace, and their offense was nonexistent. During halftime, Bugs comes up with a plan to trick all of his friends (typical). He gets a bottle of water, writes “Michael’s Secret Stuff” on it, and encourages his friends to take performance enhancing drugs. Naturally, all the Looney Tunes couldn’t be happier and decide to bulk up. The Tune Squad comes out with a blaze and dominates the beginning of the second half. Bugs steals the ball while on a moped, Daffy Duck paints red on a Monstar’s ass so a bull will charge on the court, and Wile E Coyote puts explosives on the hoops so the other team cannot score (clearly pre-9/11). In the end, Jordan’s veteran leadership/100-foot arm leads the Tune Squad to victory and makes them one of the best fictional teams of all time. I just would have preferred a stronger bench from them. Like, why didn’t they give the Road Runner the ball every time so no one could catch him…
3. South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs (The Waterboy) Nothing sums up college better than this team. Take a bunch of weirdos, add a water boy with clear mental issues, and have everyone coached by ! It is obvious that Bobby Boucher is the motivation this team needed, but when you have a dominating player like Boucher, you don’t need anything else. Need a sack? He will jump over the line right as the ball is snapped. Sturggling offense? He can supply hard hitting blocks. Need a game winning hail mary to win the Bourbon Bowl? He can magically throw the ball 60 yards on a flea flicker. Simply just say something to piss off Boucher, he will visualize it, and you will most likely die. Boucher even supplied the team with the perfect amount of water, even if he would get made fun of. A lot of the credit can actually go to Coach Klein, who originally coached the University of Louisiana Cougars, but lost the position to his rival. He fights through the pain and is able to beats the Cougars thanks to his old green notebook that he randomly remembered all the plays again. Go figure. Overall, it seems like hallucinations were a big factor in the Mud Dogs’ success. And by hallucinations I mean hard core amounts of drugs.
2. Average Joe’s (Dodgeball) Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge. A saying we all love because of the success story of Average Joe’s Gymnasium. Owner Peter LaFleur enters his team into a national tournament (only seen on ESPN8: The Ocho) as a last ditch effort to keep his gym alive. He along side his teammates Kate the former softball player, Justin the virgin, Owen the super virgin, Gordon the nerd, Dwight the black guy, and Steve the pirate must win a qualifying round in order to advance to the main tournament. They lose to a group of girl scouts, who are immediately disqualified for steroid use. Once they enter the tournament, they discover that their rival gym, Globo Gym, is also in the tournament, specifically so Average Joe’s will be shut down. Both teams advance to the finals because of LaFleur’s leadership and White Goodman’s amazing hair. The final match comes down to the two of them in an intense elimination. A blind-folded LaFleur somehow dodges the incoming ball and is able to win the game to keep Average Joe’s gym alive. Average Joe’s is such an inspiration to us all. What made Average Joe’s so high on this list is their perseverance through every game. Just when you think they’re out, they make a play to bring them back. LaFleur’s performance will go down in history as one of the most heroic sports moments to never actually happen.
1. Team USA of the Junior Goodwill Games (D2: The Mighty Ducks) The quack attack is back, Jack! And now they are representing the USA in the Junior Goodwill Games! This team is the king of all teams and could easily beat any other team in the top ten. D2: The Mighty Ducks is everything the original movie had and then some! Coach Gordon Bombay along with most of the original team is back for Team USA including the team leader, Charlie Conway. Every team, fake or real, needs a Charlie Conway. And the kid was only 13 years old! Team USA, along with the Ducks, is also comprised of the best hockey players around the country. Dean Portman is a punk, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney is a sexy goalie from Maine, Ken Wu is an Olympic skater, Luiz Menoza is an extremely fast skater who cannot stop (seriously?), and Dwayne Robertson the redneck. All of these players bring their talents to the table and make Team USA almost unbeatable. Sadly, they lose a game to Iceland and need to find some motivation to get them back on the winning track. Conway tells Coach Bombay to let Russ Tyler join the team, and his knuckle puck proves to be extremely helpful to this team. In the end, they are able to beat the rival Iceland team and bring the Junior Goodwill Games victory to the states. I find it impossible to see them lose to any team. Every championship team needs defense and Team USA was lucky enough to have the almighty Bash Brothers – Portman and Reed. They have a goalie combo that no one could ever match – Goldberg and Gaffney. They also have play makers all over the ice and any line. And who can forget the infamous “Flying V”? I bet this team could even beat any team in the NHL. This team is a dominating force that no one can match. They have brought patriotism back to our country. God bless America and God bless fictional sports teams.